Sunday, 24 February 2019

My Decision | Abortion

This was a place I never thought I would be - sitting alone in the waiting room of an abortion clinic. 




I kept a diary on my phone. This was the first entry:


Monday 16th July 2018
The day I found out I was having you was 35 days into my pregnancy - the day your heart started beating. 


"Believe it or not, although it is too early to hear, the heart starts beating on day 35 of pregnancy"

I didn't think this was by chance, out of all the days I could have or should have found out - it was that day in particular. From the very first moment I found out I was pregnant, I loved him. From the very first moment I found out, I knew it was a boy... it was the same gut feeling I had when I knew I was pregnant. I found myself beginning to rub & hold my stomach like you see so many heavily expectant mothers to be do & felt this sense of protectiveness come over me. I didn't want any one to get too close (which is hard when you work with 30 children). 

Fast forward a few weeks, this all changed. I have always been so maternal (hence why I work with children), so this came as quite a shock. It seemed like overnight that 'instant love' I had felt had just disappeared? The severity of the situation had begun to take its toll. The opinions of others began to wear me down & made me rethink everything. Was I just being naive and oblivious to the fact that this decision I was so sure I had made - would affect so many lives? It seemed like I was the only one it would bring any sort of happiness to. That is when the guilt began. I've never been one to deal with guilt well & when I feel it, I feel it in waves that consume me. It seemed like my decision only brought bad things. If ultimately, it was my fault I fell pregnant - was it fair that I force this decision on someone else? Ruin someone's life? Someone who didn't get to have a say in what I decided. I know the statements I've made may upset some people, but if I really looked at it - that was the truth. The truth was that although it was hard for me, I knew I got to decide. Taking that all into consideration is why I can stand here today & say what I've said - I don't believe I am a victim in any of this. Your choices, your mistakes, all the mess ups lead you to where you are and this was all on my own accord. This is the moment when the guilt began to consume me. 


At first I felt like I was being pulled in different directions. One side by my heart & the other by everything else. As time passed, I began to feel empty & angry. At this point, very few people knew of my pregnancy. Those closest to me all said "I know you & I know your heart - you wouldn't be able to live with yourself if you had an abortion". Those who know me, or have ever known me on a personal level would think this very same thought. That is where the anger stemmed from. I knew the way I was & I knew my heart would never allow me to make a decision like that & be able to live my life without being ridden by guilt. I feel extremely guilty for thinking this, but I guess this is how I honestly felt at a stage during my pregnancy - I began to let myself 'hope' that God would make this choice for me & make it all go away - and by that I mean I hoped for a miscarriage. I guess you never really know how you'll feel unless you are in that situation. This moment was definitely my lowest moment of the pregnancy. 


I felt this sense of urgency as time was running out. I was yet to make my decision & I wasn't any closer to making it than I was when I first started questioning it. I knew if I was to go through with a termination - I would have to decide as soon as possible, there was no way I was going to put myself through the surgical route (after 9/10weeks). I told myself that I would never decide unless I put myself in the position where I had to decide. I kept trying to convince myself to 'try', just go & see if it was something I could do. Maybe I would feel differently once I was there, maybe it wasn't as hard as it seemed. It took me 3 weeks and 3 days to finally muster up the courage to call the clinic without hanging up as soon as someone picked up the phone. I had tried numerous times before, but this time I finally went through with it and booked my appointment. 


Thursday 9th August 2018.


I arrived at the hospital & parked my car. I still had 10minutes until my appointment so I wasn't in a rush. As I approached the hospital doors I noticed someone I knew at the reception desk *panic started kicking in* & so I walked straight past the desk & tried to find my own way to the clinic. As I walked down the corridor, much to my disbelief an old friend had rushed straight pass me. I hadn't seen this person in years, I had no idea how or what they were doing. The last time I was in this exact hospital - I was here with them for the very same reason I was here today. I paced up and down the hospital trying to find where I needed to be. I was so nervous I could barely bring myself to speak. I asked every person I could see who worked there if they could help me - no one seemed to know how to get there (& there was no way I was asking at reception). I finally found someone who directed my to where I needed to be - I was 25minutes late to my appointment at this point. 


As I was taken to the waiting room I saw a young couple who seemed like they were also about to make a difficult decision. There was only one other person sitting in the room & she was there with her baby. I knew the procedure as I had been here before with a friend. You speak with a consultant, followed by an examination with the doctor & then given the first pill. You were then to come back to next day to take the second pill & were advised to not drive & be accompanied by someone for this appointment. I decided I didn't want to bring any of my friends along, this was something I had to do alone. 


I waited for my name to be called & entered the room where I met the consultant. She introduced herself, she had the same last name as ... that was a great start *exhale*. These consultants were there to help you through your decision and ensure it was your decision & yours alone. They were to be un-biased and not sway your decision in any way. She asked me the usual questions: my ethnicity, age, occupation. She then began to ask me more personal questions about what led me to be there today. As I began to speak, I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. She began to say that as women, we do not need men & there have been many women who have done this alone. She then began to tell me that I was 'so young' & I had such a great career. She repeated it. At this point I felt defensive - I began to feel annoyed as it was quite evident what she believed I should do. 


I went back into the waiting room & waited to be seen by the doctor. The whole time I was there I wanted to run out the doors. I felt trapped, like I needed to get out to breathe. After an hour long wait, I was called. This doctor was rude to say the least, there was no emotion & she was cold. She asked me to lay on the bed for a scan. This was the part I was dreading. I knew I would need a scan to determine how far along I was into the pregnancy. I also knew that you were not allowed to be shown the monitor nor would you hear anything. This doctor was all over the place, as soon as she placed the ultrasound machine on my stomach, I heard the heart beat. She quickly turned down the sound & looked at the monitor with concern.


She asked me to pee in a cup so she could confirm I was pregnant. I have never felt this fear before, what was wrong? Why couldn't she find him on the scan? That was a heartbeat I heard wasn't it? Have I miscarried without knowing? This is what I wished for. My head was spinning. I re-entered the room and she confirmed I was defiantly pregnant. Without much explanation she told me she would need to carry out a transvaginal ultrasound (google it if you are unsure, yep it hurts). That is all she told me of the matter, no explanation of what the procedure entailed. She didn't talk me through what would happen or even give me a warning of when the examination was about to take place. In her hurry to turn the sound down she had moved the monitor - I had a clear view. This was the first time I saw my baby. The first thought I had was how cute he looked, he was so small and was floating in the left hand corner - he looked like a little kidney bean. I couldn't stop staring. This isn't how I pictured having my first scan to be like, but here I was - seeing my baby for the first time in an abortion clinic.  


After the scan was over, she coldly asked me to sign some paperwork so I could take my first pill & explained the stage of taking the second. I told her I was yet to make my decision, which seemed to anger her and she snapped 'so why has Doctor ******* sent you here, she shouldn't have sent you here'. I didn't comment. 'You are 8, almost 9 weeks. You will need to make your decision by the following Monday as this is urgent. Once you have made your decision call us and we will book you in'. I replied 'ok' and she stared at my blankly as if to say ok leave the room now - so I did. 


I was no closer to making my decision. In fact, I was even more confused. I tried for the next few days to come to one. I decided to let the time pass, until it was too late. I think subconsciously that was my decision but didn't want to say it out loud. Everything about that day felt like a sign from God. Why had a seen 2 people I wasn't meant to see? I was late to my appointment & it almost had to be rescheduled. Why had the consultant had the same last name? Why was the doctor so cold? 


I have never been against abortion, I believe everyone has the right to choose what is right for them. However, in my heart I always knew it was something I could never do & something I could never live with. How would I go on and live my life, have a child at the 'right time' and refer to that child as my first. I would never feel like that was my first child. What if I was unable to carry a child after that? I had a few people voice their opinions, the main point being 'don't you think it is unfair to bring a child into the world when the father won't be around?'. That didn't cross my mind. Not to say I didn't think about it - but it wasn't a factor that was ever going to effect my decision. I knew from the very beginning I was all this baby needed. I had my own parents ask me - 'if you knew the Dad didn't want to know, why did you choose to keep the baby'. The only explanation I will ever give to that is - I know my heart & I know I made the right decision for me. In the end, the decision would impact me to most. I would be the one that had to carry it around for the rest of my life. I would have to be surrounded by young children & constantly be reminded of what I had done & what he would have grown up to be like. So yes, I had to be selfish & make the decision that I could live with. This was a life I had created & I not one I could ever take away. Although I felt like it was me against what seemed to be the world & everyone in it at that point, I knew I would have the strength to get through it God willingly. I would never have to wonder what he would of been like, what he would have looked like & how my life would be - because I made sure I would know, even if I was to do it alone. 




Lots of Love

xx


SHARE:

4 comments

  1. You are so strong and you got this, you’re gonna be an amazing mum

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for your kind message hun, appreciated! 😘 x

      Delete
  2. Such a inspirational women so so strong. I'm due in May and in a similar situation to you, you're story gives me a bit more Hope and strength that I can get through the bad times. Always stay strong Good luck with rest of you're pregnancy wishing you lots of love and happiness for you and you're Baby Boy �� X

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for taking the time out to read the blog post & send such a lovely message. Wishing you all the luck & love on your journey. Remember - you are all your baby needs & God has beautiful things planned for the both of you, just wait on it ❤️ xx

      Delete

Blog Layout Designed by pipdig